The Power of Attuned Parenting: Supporting Your Anxious Child

We are currently parenting and living in the epidemic of anxiety. As a child and adolescent psychologist, I often get asked at dinner parties, “why do you think so many kids have anxiety these days?”. Any psychologist will tell you that they have a million and one ways to dodge questions about our work at social events. Stories so often start with “…my sister” or “I have a friend that…” and we are skilled in the art of - I’d like to say boundaries - but probably more accurately avoidance.

I don’t really like to talk about my work in public or social settings. Public speaking in a professional context, fine. But casually speaking about my work socially, not so much. In part I see this as something to work on as I am learning ways to share more openly, but as a psychologist you do have to be hyperaware of what you are saying because you do not know who is listening, what their personal and family experience with a situation you are discussing is, and are generally overly cautious of not expressing personal opinions when representing the field of psychology.

It can be tricky to find a place to exist as a human and a psychologist in community sometimes. My husband has learnt the intricacies of why this is as he has observed my career unfolding. But I digress and circle back to the original question: why do so many young people, both children and young people experience anxiety? Well, the aetiology of anxiety is certainly multifaceted and while it is not the fault of the parents, there is actually a lot that we can do to make an impact and support a young person that is struggling with anxiety.

When it comes to the aetiology or cause of anxiety, it is widely agreed that there is an interplay of nature (genetic factors) and nurture (environmental factors). If a parent has a history of anxiety, their child is at a higher risk of experiencing or developing anxiety than if the parent does not. This can be influenced by both genetic pre-disposing factors and what I often refer to as the anxiety contagion that occurs between a parent and a child.

If you are reading this and identify as an anxious parent - I know - that your greatest wish is to not ‘pass down’ your anxiety to your child. This is by no means a ‘life sentence’ and my work, in my Attuned Parenting Course and beyond, is designed to empower you to break the cycle. By addressing your anxiety with a therapist and doing the ‘inner work’ you really can be influential in reshaping and creating a valued-aligned family system.

Part of the genetic pre-disposition comes with a child or young person’s temperament. Those that are born with highly sensitive nervous and sensory systems can be more reactive to emotional stimuli and to their environment. Sensitive children, and people, tend to feel deeply, have high levels of empathy, and are often described as intuitive, perceptive, creative and many other positive traits. They are so often the helpers and healers of the world. Such a temperament, however, does tend to lean towards more anxious tendencies and traits as well.

Sensitive young people, who may or may not also identify as neurodivergent, are so often misunderstood. This can be in part because their sensitivity and internalisation of emotions can be buried underneath their explosive, highly reactive and seemingly unpredictable behaviour. Parents report to know that they are highly empathetic, but they can feel confused by their behaviour that can seem inconsiderate and difficult. Not all, but many young people with anxiety are likely a highly sensitive person.

I very much identify as a highly sensitive and intuitive person, which I think makes me a better psychologist. Sensitive not in the sense of emotionally fragile, but in relation to how my nervous system reacts and is impacted by my environment. I don’t experience anxiety often during this stage of my life because I am highly attuned to myself and my needs. Working with these children and young person who seem to have a bit of a story around something being wrong with them because they are sensitive is sad, as they can start building protective barriers around their authentic self and developing unhelpful coping mechanisms.

Many of these deeply thoughtful, beautifully sensitive young people need a high level of attunement from their caregivers. I know that this high level of emotional output can be exhausting for the parent who can feel burned out and exhausted from the ongoing need. My approach to Attuned Parenting considers both the exhaustion and needs of the parent, and moving towards a really deep and real level of emotional attunement. I think the real art of the parenting practice is that the more attuned you become to yourself and your child, the more you know when and how you can set boundaries, how to replenish your internal resources, and when it is time to Step Back to have a break or to step towards your life values.

Of course, psychologists are highly trained in evidence-based cognitive based therapies which are highly effective in “treating” anxiety, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (pronounced “act”). If you have a child struggling with anxiety, you may be surprised at how quickly and effectively good therapeutic support can make positive change. However, in the case of highly sensitive children and temperaments, while therapy is equally as effective, upskilling in attuned parenting skills is going to be an asset in your family. It will help you to deeply understand your child, where their anxiety, emotion dysregulation and behavioural explosiveness may actually be coming from.

Part of my ‘why’ for creating this course is because we absolutely know from the research (and clinical experience) that we achieve the very best outcomes in psychology when we have a combination of evidence-based therapy and parent psychoeducation, understanding, and high involvement. As I have a limited capacity to see clients one-on-one (please feel free to enquire in case I do have availability), sharing my unique perspectives and approaches in this course allows me to share this knowledge with many, at an affordable price.

If you have a child aged 5 to 15 years old, I wholeheartedly invite you to explore and join my brand new course Attuned Parenting: Imprint Self-Regulation, Resilience and Psychological Wellbeing. I have been working on it for the last 12 months, and my personal and professional experiences over the last decade of my career has contributed to this piece of work that I am proud to share to make a positive imprint in your family.