The Power of Attuned Parenting: Diving Deeper Than Surface Level Behaviours

I started my early career as an applied behavioural therapist, trained under a traditional behaviourist/psychologist who embedded the idea that every behaviour, and person, is shapable. There is a behavioural science to all overt behaviour; behaviour that we can see, observe, and operationalise. The shaping occurs through operant (Skinner’s box) and classical conditioning (Pavlov’s dogs), and can be reinforced or extinct using the the principles of reinforcement; negative and positive.

As an early career psychologist, I always felt mixed about traditional behaviourism. On one hand, I was hopeful, excited and very passionate: any parent who came to me or my colleagues with a behavioural challenge, no matter how extreme or challenging, we felt confident we could support positive change. No behaviour was a life sentence because everything was shapable. There was nothing that we couldn’t help them with: all behaviours could be shaped, reduced or increased using the fundamentals of classic behaviourism. Cases that many non-behavioural trained colleagues were intimidated by, we were really confident in supporting.

That is empowering, and in many ways I still feel that I carry a genuine confidence and competence in supporting very complex and challenging cases regarding risk-taking and extreme behaviours due to my early career experience. Many great psychologists who have been influential on my own practice, I have noticed have come from from a behaviourist background - those who have a deep and rich understanding of human behaviour - who have also pivoted into more humanistic, holistic, and affirming practices in psychology.

On the other hand, I always had this niggling feeling that something was missing. In my pivot to supporting the wellbeing of parents who were really struggling with their child’s behaviour, at the time often associated with symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or neurodivergence, I focused primarily on the opposite of overt behaviours - covert behaviours - which are unobservable, internal, private events like thoughts, emotions, presence, somatic symptoms, and self-regulation.

In many ways, my approach to developmental psychology and Attuned Parenting pedalstools tuning in to covert behaviours - internal, private experiences - which informs overt behaviours - the behaviours that we find exhausting, frustrating, and at times, embarrassing. An analogy is if you were treating mould in your home with just paint (fixing what you can see) and not treating the actual source (the internal events) or the root cause (the developmental core needs), the issue is going to a) come back, b) potentially spread, c) potentially cause secondary issues.

Of course you can see how just painting the issue would require less effort, less time, thought, energy, attention and skill. However, it can also be unhelpful, detrimental and just straight ineffective in the long-term. In developmental psychology, I suggest that we flexibly work backwards by a) addressing the root core developmental need, b) learning to connect with the internal events (understanding the thoughts, perceptive, and emotional experience of the young person, and c) addressing the overt behavioural issues, like the disrespect, the not listening, the non-compliance etc.

There is a well known quote in developmental psychology by Dr Ross Greene that “children do well if they can” so we have to make sure that they can. My new course, Attuned Parenting: Imprint Self-Regulation, Resilience and Psychological Wellbeing, I believe will make every parent of children aged 5 to 15 years old feel confident, competent and more self-reflective of how they are creating an attuned environment around their child, or children, to “do well” psychologically. This is a course for the parents who come to see me in clinical practice who say that they understand the importance of emotional support and their parenting, and who want to break the cycle; their own unworkable cycles, and intergenerational cycles.

Although the course is packed with easy to consume psychoeducation lessons and practical strategies that you can use with your children and any parenting challenge you’re currently facing, from anxiety management, sleep issues, ongoing behavioural issues, compliance difficulty, low-self-esteem, social difficulties, assertiveness difficulties (in your or your child) or life imbalance, it is not designed to ‘tell you what to do’. Contrary to popular belief, psychologists don’t actually do that. This 8 module, 16 lesson course is designed to also provide structured self-reflection to attune to your unique child and to your unique and authentic self, as a parent and person.

I know the impulse to attend straight to the behaviour, the impulse to go straight to rewards, consequences and punishments, when your child is showing challenging behaviour. I sometimes notice this impulse arise in clinical practice when I want to take away the struggle of a parent, like the impulse to say - if you just use these behavioural principles, we can make that behaviour extinct (take it away). And there is a place for behaviourism and behaviour shaping in psychology. Some principles underlie my approach to Attuned Discipline. However, I have covered the ‘why it’s more effective’ to attune to the internal psychological world of the child, but I want to finish with the ‘why it’s kinder’ and more compassionate to have the human being front and centre of any parenting or psychology intervention first and foremost.

Imagine that you had a really challenging day at work where nothing was going right, your boss was in a horrible mood and spoke to you unfairly, your colleague didn’t complete a task and left more work on you to complete, you spilt your coffee on your shirt at lunch and you sat in traffic for an hour on the way home to walk into a messy house with the TV on and the kids stuff everywhere. You feel exhausted and overwhelmed, and you tell your spouse that you are cooking a quick pasta even though you know they are on a health kick and would prefer another dinner.

Consider how you would hope that your partner would respond:

a) recognises that you’re feeling overwhelmed, and offers to take care of dinner for you (attuned response)

b) verbalises that you look exhausted, and states that they’re grateful for the effort to cook pasta (attuned response)

c) refuses to eat pasta and blames you for not considering them as usual (negative reinforcement)

d) walks in the other room and removes attention to give you time-out space (to avoid reinforcing the behaviour) and ensure you don’t make cooking pasta a habit

Ok, this might seem like an extreme example, but what I have noticed is that if we used the same “behaviour management” principles in our most important relationships that we might use with our children when we feel disempowered, we would not maintain a very healthy or connected romantic relationship. This can be a helpful perspective taking exercise to consider your own parenting practices. Yes there is a sense of leadership and authority as a parent, but it does not allow us to take the human out of the relationship to shape behaviours.

If you have a child aged 5 to 15 years old, I wholeheartedly invite you to explore and join my brand new course Attuned Parenting: Imprint Self-Regulation, Resilience and Psychological Wellbeing. I have been working on it for the last 12 months, and my personal and professional experiences over the last decade of my career has contributed to this piece of work that I am proud to share to make a positive imprint in your family.