Applying Understandings of Healing, The Nervous System and Emotion in Parenting

Letter From Renee, November 2022

Many adults and psychologists focus on healing and resolving issues from our childhood that impact our self-limiting beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviours, lack of purpose and direction, low self-worth, psychological symptoms, and insecurities. This is important work, essential, to change intergenerational patterns that pass down. My psychological lens considers what we can learn from this information and our experiences, how we can use this ‘data’ to empower parents and to apply these learnings to parenting our children.

As a parent, I know it can be incredibly overwhelming with the myriad of information not just ‘out there’ to search but is literally thrown at us from all angles. It can make us feel as though no matter what we do, it’s impossible to get parenting right. And it is, you don’t need me to tell you that there is no right way. No one way. And you are not going to get it all right. That is the only guarantee. Pretending to be perfect, trying to convince yourself that it is possible, and trying to convince your child of this is quite frightening.

There are a million mistakes we will make but there are a few that we should address, be aware of, and keep at the forefront of our parenting approach. We know this through neuroscience, and we know this through understanding our adult healing experiences. When we use a therapeutic modality to allow stored or suppressed emotions, memories, experiences, and familiar default patterns, like the parenting schemas described in my book, come into the spotlight, we are presented with our subconscious emotional footprint. Having such experiences as a parent promotes depth to our understanding of conscious parenting.

Parenting with conscious awareness is unfortunately not created through reading a book, it is cultivated through awareness, practice, understanding, and insight. In other words, through embodiment of our own wholeness that comes from an openness and allowance for emotions to process, both the comfortable and uncomfortable, from our inherent self-worth that is not tied to external factors and validation, the ability to be the observer of our thoughts yet driver of our own life. To be able to attune to our child’s emotional experiences to understand their inner world, we must first understand our own.

It seems that we are on the precipice of understanding healing on a deeper level, when considering the overlap and interplay of modern psychological processes, trauma-based therapies, holistic ways to work with the nervous system (meditation, breathwork, yoga etc.). From my perspective, the idea of “healing” in a general sense is not an endpoint that we achieve but rather a journey of shedding the layers that hold us back, have conditioned us in ways that aren’t working in our current life, to release stress that is deeply rooted in the nervous system, and a way to become more of our authentic selves.

In learning from our own journey of healing and uncovering ourselves in adulthood, parenting essentials become evident. It is not the parent’s job to try to create only “positive” experiences and emotions for their children, but to rather be emotionally attuned to them. By understanding our child’s inner emotional world, by practicing being an observer of their emotional state, and by showing them understanding, validation, and being trustworthy and consistent in our response to their emotions, we can support them to process their emotional footprint. Instead of suppressing, they learn to express and therefore process them.

Self-Reflection Prompts

Consider an area of your life that may feel stuck, or where you may notice self-limiting beliefs, people-pleasing or insecurity, self-sabotaging behaviours, a lack of purpose or direction, low self-worth, or ongoing stress. Write down what comes to mind in a journal for your own self-reflection:

• What was the first thing that came to mind? Do you relate to having been on a “healing journey” already or do you feel like there is an area that can use further support?
• How do you support your nervous system in regular life? (e.g., yoga class, walk in nature, herbal tea instead of caffeine, breathwork, retreat etc.)
• Does your lifestyle include ‘space’ to process emotions regularly? Is there ‘space’ for your child’s emotions? (e.g., journaling, self-reflection, therapy, ritual, prayer, meditation, ceremony etc.) 

Parenting Strategy of the Month

Consider your child’s (1) emotional expression, and (2) nervous system regulation in daily life. Use emotional attunement skills to observe their changing emotional states, use your discernment skills to check in and reflect their emotions, practice validating them without giving advice or fixing, and act like understanding their inner world was the most important thing you could do for them (because it is).

If your child doesn’t have ways to have nervous system “releases” in their daily/weekly routine (through movement, expression, discussion etc.) consider how you can create new rhythms or rituals. Keep an eye on Instagram for ideas on this topic and reach out if you have any questions. I can’t give individual advice, however, can cover general themes the following week.

Ideas I’m Exploring

While this may be boring to some people, I am diving deep into further professional development on “process-based therapy” which I really believe in. It is an overarching framework for therapy that moves away from the singular therapeutic model and toward a multidimensional approach, which is how I work in practice.

In other words, this approach is not concerned with “experts” focussing on diagnostic labels and boxes to prescribe a treatment protocol, but rather with life-enriching, empowering, and values-based that applies evidence-based therapy in a flexible, person-centred way. 

This is consistent with my recent article acknowledging the embrace of neurodiversity, yet simultaneously being cautious around over-pathologizing children (and everyone for that matter). I do believe it is imperative that we stay diligent and aware of the negative impact it can have on one’s identity to accumulate diagnoses and ultimately feel helpless.

Dr Renee Cachia is an Australian–based psychologist in private practice specialising in childhood, adolescent and parenting development. Her first book is Parenting Freedom: Transform Stress and Depletion to Connectedness and Meaning. To connect on socials, follow @innerpracticebyrenee. If you’re interested to learn about her upcoming workshops, ensure you are on the email list on this website www.innerpractice.com.au.